The city diaries 2: Driving tips, or may be not

Bangalore is a nice and beautiful city. Nice in terms of climate, facilities available, helpful people etc. But sadly Bangalore is nicer if you stay indoor most of the time. A huge percentage of the 'helpful people' I mentioned earlier, turn out to be the ultimate propagators of road rage when they drive or ride. They never stop, unless there is a train in their way (I doubt that too!), they drive at the maximum (im)possible speed, almost everywhere and above all they are totally ignorant about the fact that road is a public space. The below tips are derived from fellow drivers/riders on Bangalore roads and in no way I can relate to any of these. So, these tips are better implemented if you are all alone in a city and only if so.

Road rage is the norm here..
Image courtesy: nareshtrao's photostream on Flickr

• Well, let us start from two-wheelers

1. If you have a bike, no matter the lack of space, you should try and poke it through the last millimetre available. Rear view mirrors of other bikes and cars are there for the soul purpose of accepting scratches from the touch of your bike's holy handles.
2. If you have a new generation bike (Pulsar 220 and likewise), you should prove the handling capabilities by riding it at 80 km/h or above, in peak hour traffic, between two HMVs or LMVs or a combination of both.
3. If you have a TVS Luna or Hero Puch, you should have at least 30 times weight of the bike on it. If this is not possible, try to accommodate a minimum of three fellow passengers including you. 
4. Rear view mirrors and helmets are redundancy. Take off the former for easy navigation as explained in the first point and keep the latter somewhere on the bike, but never on the head

• If you are an auto driver or an aspiring one, you rule the world. The following tips are just for you.

If you're an auto driver, you rule the world!
Image courtesy: IK's world trip on Flickr

1. Your mom might have probably told you a story about how your great grand dad used to punish the poor people on the road by running over them with an auto. However, now the situation has changed a little (democracy and stuff). Though your vehicle is a little bigger in size than bikes, always be humble and make your way like a bike as mentioned earlier..
2. Give a damn about people who are on bike or on the road. If someone politely asks you about your rash driving, beat him/her to pulp. PS: Make sure that s/he is not from Karnataka
3. Always stare at the ladies/girls/anything that resembles the female species on bikes and in cars, even if that's your mother or grand mother. Don't spare.
4. Never give way to bigger vehicles, remember we own the road
5. Don't worry about stuffing your vehicle in between two brand new private vehicles, it's ultimately their mistake that they did not give up the road for you. PS2: And even in case of a scratch or dent, it's a win for us
6. Spit mercilessly while driving,  like your counterparts who drive/travel in buses and trucks. Solidarity is something that we should always hold high.
7. Though a little off topic, the last one for auto drivers. When you spend all the looted money in a hospital, thankfully remember people whom you made life hell when you used to rule the roads.

• If you are driving a taxi cab (Cars, Vans, MUVs etc), remember the first rule, your vehicle fleet is owned by a millionaire and he can 'take care' of any mess you are capable of making on the roads.

1. Smoke from the vehicle muffler should be dense black, so that we can play with the visibility of other cab drivers as well as private vehicles and get ahead of them
2. Speed should be a minimum of 80 kms, if you can see  at least 50 meters of road ahead.
3. Always honk and do this continuously till the endless traffic ahead of you miraculously disappear. You can do this for removing all moving vehicles too. Once, a great cab driver made the Rajadhani express disappear from Majestic railway station just by honking!
4. In the rare case (once in two days or so) of having a breakdown, never move the vehicle from the middle of the road until someone comes and repairs it. PS: Unfortunately if it had the problem on an off road, push and keep it in the middle of the road, so that you can thoroughly enjoy the plight of others for time pass.
5. Never, ever stop for someone who takes a turn at an intersection, this might seriously damage your reputation
6. Again, never use the indicators unless you park the vehicle on the road

• Finally for buses and trucks, all the above rules are applicable. 

1. Over and above those points, you should religiously stop in the middle of the road, either to pick and drop people or for fun. Believe me it's fun to see hundreds of vehicles piled behind us. Even if it's an express highway, do it and enjoy the scene.

2. Everyone  will stop for a bus or a truck, or else.

• Now a couple of general points:

1. Always keep the mobile in between your ear and the shoulder in an extremely complicated angle. This will make you look like a James Bond or an Ethan Hunt on a mission. Besides, while you have a chat with your third cousin's kindergarten friend, you can barge in to vehicles as well as pedestrians.
2. Pedestrians and push-trolley vendors can appear from nowhere, they think zebra cross is for zebras to cross the road. Anyhow, we don't care about the people on the road, right? Everyone must have at least a small truck on Bangalore roads.
3. Regardless of the size of the vehicle, the location of it or that it is moving or not, always keep the high beam on. This way, we can teach a lesson those imbeciles who drive on low beam.

And a general rule of thumb, all the rules on the road are made to break, just like all the other vehicles on the road.

Happy rash driving!
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